"use client"; import Link from "next/link"; import ThemedLayout from "@/components/layouts/ThemedLayout"; import { useWallet } from "@/contexts/WalletContext"; export default function PresswirePage() { const { vault } = useWallet(); const keyCount = vault.keys.length; const urgency = keyCount >= 10 ? "CODE BLACK" : keyCount >= 6 ? "ELEVATED" : keyCount >= 2 ? "MILD" : "NORMAL"; const headlines = [ "Local Man Discovers New Way To Lose Money (Again)", "CyberLux Denies Allegations Of Selling “Canned Wi‑Fi”", "Exclusive: The Left Sock Was Always Quantum", "Breaking: Cat Facts Leak Into Public Internet, Experts Concerned", "Authorities Confirm Trees Are “Very Online” Now", ]; return (

CYBERLUX PRESSWIRE

Independent journalism sponsored by vibes, paranoia, and extremely clickable headlines.

rumor heat
{urgency}
Your Vault currently contains {keyCount} keys. The newsroom is reacting normally (untrue).
Chase rumors in the webring → View Vault
{headlines.map((h) => (
breaking
{h}
Sources confirm this story is 80% dramatic tension and 20% an accidental CSS gradient.
related: market related: profit sim
))}
Editorial note: this is parody. No real goods. No real crypto. But the trees are definitely real. For tree matters, consult the{" "} Trees Authority .
); }